Reminiscing in a Train -1

 

Nowadays I don't feel like writing anything. I just love my silence. I was thinking why one loves to be silent. May be because you have accepted the universe as it is, may be you are so disillusioned with everything and the truths are so clear that you don't feel like writing or talking. I will definitely like to carry this silence with me when I go..that's freedom. Living behind no trace of your existence, having no desire to want, say or leave behind anything I can call my own...absolute freedom from every attachment.. and complete bliss. 

Train journeys are great. And alone they are greater. Of course when you have company you are happy and can while away the time talking. But alone, you can think...think...and think. You can enjoy the faint light in the horizon, you can choose to be silent... you can be free not to talk to anybody, you can share groundnuts with strangers...young or old... you can help people..you can smile at people.. and all this you can do without anybody demanding your attention. It's another thing...

Winter has arrived. The world's turning dusty and grey. Mornings are cold, nights are long and pregnant with possibilities of births;of thoughts, ideas, silences. That day Pradeep came to deliver an article at my place, for Banita(name changed) I dislike getting up before my decided time, but nowadays I don't complain a lot. Both of us got up as Banita got the call and went down. I saw Pradeep for the first time. And saw the bond of immense trust and silent love between them. Possibilities between them are little that they will ever come together. Nobody can stop them if they want to, they are legally married, but they won't because they don't want to make some people unhappy. But they can’t think of moving away. Their solid bond keeps them happy and going.

When you are travelling alone in a train, you perceive nature better, because there is nobody to distract your attention. Passing scenes calm the mind, they also stir memories. Looking at certain mangroves, agricultural land or grounds, I remember how I used to think that it might be our farm, we tending it together. Memories bring sadness. Memories of beautiful, electrifying moments, moments of tenderness, love and great communication. Magical love that will never happen again, because nothing can replace it as certain people are irreplaceable. People leave our world but memories keep lingering. Sometimes they bring warm tears only, reminding of the loved ones whom you miss incessantly and will miss until the world catches up with you or you rise into sainthood. The truths also are driven home that we have the right to give love only, it is not so that the people whom we love will love us back. It’s also another truth that some people are very special, different, nobody can replace them. We only go for compromises, but life is never the same again. It’s not about three or four years, not about the extent, it’s about people, people whom we have known from a greater consciousness, have understood and have loved. But when they move away willingly, happily, seeking happiness somewhere else, only silence remains, because you can’t change their image in your conscious.

I am worried about the suffering of a good old friend of late. This friend was my only hope of a possible pure friendship with the opposite gender because I only thought of him as a human being and never perceived of him as anything else.Sometimes your intuition tells you that you should grow up and  set things right. I just want him to get over the reasons of his suffering and grow up, take care of his family as a priority and spend his goodness without being too attached to anything. True friendship and trust never breaks off , may be we fail to understand our orientation towards a friendship.We human beings are bound to have weakness, but our weakness should be invested in the right place. I only wish that his goodness never shuns him and it grows in the right direction. We are so torn by our own inner conflicts and so afflicted by pain that I don't know how to make him see the good purpose.

  The face of Aanjana ma’am comes floating to my mind. It’s a pensive face, calm yet sad. She  lost her husband in the recent past, had to leave the place where she lived for many years before coming to this city. I had started to love her very much and she’s leaving. The loneliness and the work pressure is hurting her and she wants to go to her daughter, to her old city. I don’t know if she’s doing the right thing. Daughters marry and go away. Unless they keep her with them, she will be lonely again and that time it will be more difficult to cope. I only pray that God be with her. I am alone too, and not in a very pleasant place, but I keep repeating to myself to not to long for my comfort zone, to fight and grow. May be I will learn to be at peace someday, but I am fighting definitely, for the last three and half years. But people are different and so is their response to situations. I cannot understand their problems from a distance. 

Silence is beautiful at times. When silence starts entering you, it can be a good or a bad sign. It can lead you to pure consciousness or it can destroy whatever creativity you have. I have left things to the universe and am floating with the flow. Let life take me wherever it has to. I just will have to be with the moment at hand, be very alive to it, wherever I am and whatever I am doing.

The train is nearing the destination. You can know from the breeze. It’s cold.  In a small hilly town you can feel the winter. How beautiful is the earth, with its seasons. If winter hadn’t been there we would never have known the beauty of spring or the heat of summer. Who can question the wisdom of the universe? We go, but the universe thrives and keeps vibrating with life forms and its many gifts.