On Being an Witness

From the day we are born in this world, we undertake so many journeys. Recently, when I was on a journey from Bhubaneswar to Dhenkanal by train I was thinking about it. Trains are good places for contemplation. You are alone yet you feel like being in a family, in a family of unknown people who seem very known, just because life follows almost same pattern for humans in general. Seasons are beautiful. But rainy seasons are special. Wherever your eyes go, that is, through the windows of a train, you see intermittent patches of water, seasonal pools caused by rain water and the rivers pregnant roaring. If it rains, it’s a cozy and secure feeling being with people who keep chitchatting on politics, family matters,the degradation of so many things, sports and career.

In the recent past I had undergone a different journey in the form of a personal crisis and suffered from acute depression for which I am still under medication. Gradually I am coming back to my normal state and my thoughts are a little clearer now as the clouds are moving away. I sat and looked at the beautiful view outside; the hills, the greenery, the water-filled paddy fields,the swamps, the long patches of water caused by rain. The thought just came to my mind that how fortunate we are to have been given a human body and a human intellect. We can perceive the gifts of God and can slide through life watching the world scene like a witness. Standing at a distance we can observe this beautiful creation with its varieties of living and non living forms. Of late , as I am emerging from a traumatic phase with countless thoughts tearing my being into shreds, I have started felling a greater oneness with this creation, without getting too involved. It is a truth that when we remain occupied with our interests, ambitions and desires, we become limited, worrying about only a few people, a few interests, our own egos, our own ups and downs. It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t act at all and pursue our heart’s desires, personal or spiritual. But they are all temporary, or we would not have been unhappy after attaining one goal and had started looking for another. I don’t think so by observing human beings only, I am observing myself too. As I have started emerging from my clouded self that pulled me downwards and defeated all my efforts to rise up to the moment, I feel a greater love. I feel as if I have become a mother of hundreds of children I come into contact daily. And this feeling is completely devoid of any possessiveness. It’s not that I had or have no desire for personal or professional happiness, but fate didn’t put that kind of happiness in my lap and I think my conscious has started to accept it. Certain pains follow us to our grave, but with right understanding and complete lack of expectation we can sail in turbulent waters with calmness.

Acceptance is what brings us peace, because till the day we try to change others, we suffer, because we should never try to change people we love. And once the mind stops expecting and turns humble, the whole existence and its positive forces rush in to do things we cannot do. I have felt it many times in my life which has been full of struggle to find a foothold, a sense of dignity and self respect and have suffered despite innocence. Anger is our worst enemy because it makes us blind in the moment and that moment is crucial as it doesn’t relent without damaging our self unless we are very alert and are watching our mind from a distance. I have, many times in life, felt terrible helplessness, yet no anger towards a person who is the source of my suffering. And when the tears of helplessness have come, and have defeated me. I have felt God’s touch.

Recently, a younger brother, known to me, shared his wisdom with me. He advised me not to get involved and to watch everything inside and outside us dispassionately even while doing our duty sincerely. I already knew it, but when I lost something intangible yet immensely valuable to me, I broke down. I know I may go back to my witness self, though it will take quite some time. It also doesn’t mean that I will stop living a vibrant life, but I have an inkling that it will be different. Once we learn to surrender to the existence, it starts taking care of us. I had felt it once in the past. Sometimes we fail to understand why the universe puts us through the same kind of tests and also takes away the opportunity of happiness. Because inner happiness shines up our external world and we just want to give, give and give. When givers meet, love becomes a prayer. The existence has its own ways to deal with our frailty, our quality of being human. WE have to deal with our frailty and our pain. When we learn to surrender, the lotus of love blooms, and it’s a different state altogether where the ‘I’ dies and ‘we’ emerges. That experience no book can give us, it comes to us once we surrender the ‘ego’, the ‘I’ and recognize ourselves as the travelers spending a night in the ‘inn’ of the world. At that point life becomes a celebration, a celebration in which one can listen to the silent music of the cosmos and lives in abandon, in immense freedom and immense love. But we will have to drop everything we have accumulated inside, and to purge our mind of the dust and dirt of egocentric existence.

These are reflections and understanding only. Even that is not enough. We have to live it and breathe it. Then only whatever we do will flower into something or all our efforts will end up in nothing despite our good purpose. And to do it, we have to be tremendously courageous to stand alone and choose. This world is an illusion, yet we will have to stay in it to perceive the witness self and to do whatever possible .